To change one's life:

start immediately, do it flamboyantly. No exceptions.

Boozhoo - OK. I get the message or should I say messages. I should be writing. That is my task right now. I am a writer. Your task if you choose to accept it is to be my reader. Having a reader is not a requirement for being a writer but it sure helps. I must confess I have been avoiding this call. The ancestors and spirit folk have been trying to get my attention (many thanks to a wonderful psychic - Kelly Wolf) and I have been putting it off by the usual methods - I need to get organized; I need to create a space; I need to finish my work so I can present it as a whole; it’s too hot; etc. etc. Well, even I have to pay attention when my planner tells me it’s time to write it down.

This writing will not be organized like a Ted Talk. It will be more of a meandering journey into the new territory of my psyche. This last year or two has been pivotal for me. We have had 2 deaths, 2 weddings, serious illnesses and an incredible expansion of our (Dave and I) relationship to include our partner Tina. Spirit has brought us together to do deep work on ourselves and to rejoice in the healings that have been the result of working with our traumas both ancestral and personal.

I can only speak on my personal journey - imagine the Tower card of the Tarot - structures being torn down, people fleeing disaster, everything you know turned to rubble. I now know the next screen shot of the Tower card in which the woman falling grows wings and flies away to a new way of life. So what the heck am I talking about? My short overview is that all of the structures that I built my life on have fallen down because they were never true to begin with. For those who do not know, I was adopted when I was 13 months old. Some of the structures that I built were based on my attachment disorder and as I have discovered the last few years, other structures were built upon my undiagnosed neurodivergence. Here is a mini-list of some of my structures: people will abandon you; people will not listen to your needs so you might as well not ask for help; you are not worthy of love; you are not normal so it is not safe to let people see the real you; you are a lone wolf; you don’t fit in; the only safe place is the wild world; and love is dangerous.

To say the least, realizing that everything that I built my life on was not true has left me feeling a bit raw. If everything that I told myself is not real then who am I without all of my triggers and coping mechanisms. Fortunately, I am not alone. My partners have been instrumental in my new understandings and allow me to digest and react to these new concepts in my own time. They truly love me as I am and hold space for me to accept that love when I am able. This brings tears to my eyes as I write this. As I am a Scorpio there is my natural tendency to hide all my insecurities and weaknesses away but these new understandings are so profound that I know I must share them.

I have always known that my gift was my connnection to the natural world and to spirit and that my job was to introduce people to spirit and a way of being in relationship with all of the community of the wild world. Now I am learning the lessons of being in relationship with humanity and opening myself up to the love and community that was always there. I have spent my life playing that childhood game where you cover your eyes with your hands and believe that no one can see you because you can’t see them. I truly thought I was invisible. Silly me! I thought that I was an outsider because I wouldn’t bond with others and didn’t realize that they had already accepted me and they were just waiting for me to uncover my eyes.

So here I am on my journeying of remembering - that I am human, that I am a part of the whole, that I am loved. I have been told that they way to find out who I am without all the survival mechanisms and false narratives is to write myself into my “new” life. I am giving myself the space to do that. The classes that we had scheduled for the rest of the year are on hold except for a Fire 1 class on October 12 and a Fire 2 class on November 8. It feels that I need time for the metamorphosis of my psyche to take place. I am feeling like I am in the goo stage of butterfly development right now - all the components are there but they are just floating around undeveloped.

So how do I fully embrace my life as a writer? I have tried to call on my Capricorn Ascendent to set up structures and discipline which usually works for awhile but always collapses eventually. I believe the key is in the oracle reading for this month - The Art of Rituals. I am going to lean into my Taurus Moon and pull out sensory delights that will help me to embody myself in ceremony. Some items include a scented candle, fresh flowers, an annointing oil, an elixir, a cup of tea, a small bowl of talismans. Next I will share a picture. Miigwech for listening.

Mii’iw - that’s all for now.