Embracing Life

Lessons from Death

We recently buried my father-in-law. His death was a blessing. He had lived a long and good life. The last few years had been full of ill health and were at times very painful for himself and for those who had to witness his suffering. I truly believe that he is now at peace. His final gift to me, along with staggering amounts of paperwork to organize, was a chance to shift my perception of the world and to undergo some very deep healing of core issues.

In this last year I have been presented with the concept of attachment disorder. I find it interesting how often ideas that have been around for years do not reach us until we are ready to face them. Apparently now at age 67 I am ready to do some deep healing. I knew that my approach to connection with others was limited but I figured it was just the way my stars had aligned and it was just the way I was. I understand now that the trauma I went through at the earliest stages of my life (adoption at 13 months and abuse) had created survival mechanisms in me that indeed helped me to survive but limited my ability to thrive. For a long time I would adapt my behaviour to the situation I was in so no one ever really knew who I was in my soul. I have been able to break through that and let people in but in my mind they will leave me sooner or later and I don’t attach to them. If something happens to the relationship I easily burn bridges and move on. In fact when my mother moved to Florida many years ago I mourned her leaving like a death as I was convinced I would never see her again. My husband, bless him, informed me that Florida was just down the road and that we would travel to see her as often as we could. It is funny how logic has no place in the trauma mind which usually remains the age of the child who received the trauma. My father-in-laws passing has also presented a chance to compare my internal reality to the reality of the outside world.

When he died we did our ceremonies - a fire that burned for 4 days and spirit plates of food to keep him on his journey. We knew that we would have to be involved in the ceremonies that would take place, the memorial, the reception and the interrment. I went into these ceremonies with the attitude of an anthropologist. How do families interact? Why do they have the need to get together? Is it all show or do they really receive something from these rites? In my reality he was gone and it was time to get on with things. I would brace myself to go into their world and deal with all the emotions swirling around me. Just as my world paradigm shifted at the news that Florida was just down the road, my world view was blown up by the gift of being part of a family that knows how to love and celebrate being family. I found that the funeral was not all about grief but about the joy of connection. I think in my survival mind I thought that if I didn’t attach I couldn’t be hurt by anyone. I found that attachment leads to community which leads to a sharing of hurt and a comforting of sorrow. It was a beautiful time.

So here I am feeling a bit like the Grinch. My heart is tender from growing and in the distance I hear the sounds of community coming together and singing. I guess what I really want to leave you with at this moment is that you are never too old to heal old wounds. Go out and find your community no matter how big or how small and open up your heart and love. You will feel your love amplified and beamed right back at you.

Mii’iw noongom