Boundaries

Walls versus fences

Boozhoo - This picture has nothing to do with the topic of the day but it represents all the blessings and bounty of this season we are in. I am in love with the strawberry tomatoes in the pint box. They are so beautiful and make me so happy.

Actually, now that I think about it, being grounded in your body and full of gratitude is a great way to approach the setting of boundaries - healthy boundaries - and yes there are all sorts of boundaries.

I always thought that I had good boundaries but with the reordering of my universe I have had to look at the fact that I did not really have boundaries - I had walls. I had walls that would crash down and cut off everyone that I did not feel safe with and ultimately that included most everyone around me. In my quest to be accepted and not cause waves I would go along with the ideas of those around me and of course I surrounded myself with individuals with strong, vibrant personalities. Each time I would reach a point where I felt like I was being overwhelmed by them and I would stand up for myself and disagree with them. That in itself is not bad but I would slam down the walls, burn the bridges and turn my back and walk away. I am sure you agree that this is not healthy boundary making.

In the past 6 years I have been examining my behaviour and working on healthy boundary making. I set the goals of speaking up for myself more and not running away when it became uncomfortable. This was much better but recently I had the opportunity to observe my behaviour in boundary setting once again. I have found that it is easy to set up boundaries with people who are understanding and care about me but it is still very difficult to set boundaries with a person who has a strong, set personality and does not like to be told no. I found that I was able to speak up for myself but then I spent the next few hours trying to make up to them again. I still kept the boundary but I really abased myself trying to curry favor with them again. This felt awful. I felt like I had abandoned myself. I still feel a little sick to my stomach when I think about it.

So how do I set a healthy boundary? I think the key is found in the very beginning of this message. I need to be grounded in myself and full of gratitude for my life and surroundings. When I am in this state I am balanced and emotionally calm. I am not needy. I want to be able to calmly state my boundary and not feel defensive or scared. I am taking care of myself but I have no need to attack the other. I am respectful that they have needs and wants and should be able to express them to me. We do not have to agree. It is OK. I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. There might still be a parting of the ways but I will not burn my bridges or turn my back on them and I will still be true to myself. It seems like this may feel a bit like emotional Aikido. We shall see. Life is always good for testing out new theories.

Thanks for listening. I would love to hear your take on boundaries. Wishing you all enjoyment of the ease of the summer and the tantalizing teases of the fall to come.

Mii’iw.