Boozhoo - This picture has nothing to do with the topic of the day but it represents all the blessings and bounty of this season we are in. I am in love with the strawberry tomatoes in the pint box. They are so beautiful and make me so happy.
Actually, now that I think about it, being grounded in your body and full of gratitude is a great way to approach the setting of boundaries - healthy boundaries - and yes there are all sorts of boundaries.
I always thought that I had good boundaries but with the reordering of my universe I have had to look at the fact that I did not really have boundaries - I had walls. I had walls that would crash down and cut off everyone that I did not feel safe with and ultimately that included most everyone around me. In my quest to be accepted and not cause waves I would go along with the ideas of those around me and of course I surrounded myself with individuals with strong, vibrant personalities. Each time I would reach a point where I felt like I was being overwhelmed by them and I would stand up for myself and disagree with them. That in itself is not bad but I would slam down the walls, burn the bridges and turn my back and walk away. I am sure you agree that this is not healthy boundary making.
In the past 6 years I have been examining my behaviour and working on healthy boundary making. I set the goals of speaking up for myself more and not running away when it became uncomfortable. This was much better but recently I had the opportunity to observe my behaviour in boundary setting once again. I have found that it is easy to set up boundaries with people who are understanding and care about me but it is still very difficult to set boundaries with a person who has a strong, set personality and does not like to be told no. I found that I was able to speak up for myself but then I spent the next few hours trying to make up to them again. I still kept the boundary but I really abased myself trying to curry favor with them again. This felt awful. I felt like I had abandoned myself. I still feel a little sick to my stomach when I think about it.
So how do I set a healthy boundary? I think the key is found in the very beginning of this message. I need to be grounded in myself and full of gratitude for my life and surroundings. When I am in this state I am balanced and emotionally calm. I am not needy. I want to be able to calmly state my boundary and not feel defensive or scared. I am taking care of myself but I have no need to attack the other. I am respectful that they have needs and wants and should be able to express them to me. We do not have to agree. It is OK. I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. There might still be a parting of the ways but I will not burn my bridges or turn my back on them and I will still be true to myself. It seems like this may feel a bit like emotional Aikido. We shall see. Life is always good for testing out new theories.
Thanks for listening. I would love to hear your take on boundaries. Wishing you all enjoyment of the ease of the summer and the tantalizing teases of the fall to come.
Mii’iw.
Thank you for articulating exactly the hardest part of my own sacred journey in this lifetime. Abuse in developing years trains the young mind to appease and to fear displeasure from another because others always hold and wield power over the young being. Growing into power happens, as I see it, slowly, gradually, and from the Earth up. I had never really considered the power of gratitude in terms of dwelling within all the beautiful power the Earth bestows when we live in harmony and appreciation with it. Beautiful, beautiful post that I shall read many times to truly sink it in.
Thank you for sharing this experience; it sounds like you're finding a beautiful space. This has been an ongoing part of my healing and spiritual journey as well, with "ongoing" being the key word! It's so hard- almost no boundaries in my 20s, learning to respect other people's in my 30s, and now in my 40s trying to understand and respect my own.