Website Journey

Creating Identity

Boozhoo.  Lena here again.  It has been a whirlwind here lately.  I wanted to write you all about the process of setting up the web and here comes the video by a young woman that took classes from David and who also happens to work for West Virginia Public Broadcasting.  She had asked if she could come and stay with us for a couple of days and talk to us, film and take photos.  I had promised spirit to say yes to opportunities even though I was scared and so she came.  We had a lovely visit and chatted about all sorts of things.  After she left I forgot about it and lo and behold we were told we had been on television.  We had talked a lot during her stay and we got used to her following us around with her camera so it was interesting to see what her final product was.  I hadn’t really realized it would be mostly about me.  EEK!  I thought she did a lovely job and of course there were things that I wish I hadn’t said in quite the way I did.  I would have loved to change the word “stupid” to “silly” when referring to singing Ojibwe children’s songs  and it was unfortunate that she showed me giving tobacco to Pink Lady’s Slipper as she had us talk about wildcrafting.  Just for the record I would never harvest that plant.  At most I might make a flower essence by placing a crystal bowl with water so it held the flower while still on the plant.  This is the price for being seen and speaking aloud.  Maybe it is helpful in keeping myself humble.  I did promise spirit that I would speak for those that had no voice.  It was a lot of fun to see the drone shots from up above our little hollow.  All in all it was a lovely little film and a pretty good representation of the life we live.

So now I would like to chat about the process of re-envisioning the Medicine Lake Herbals website.  I was told that I needed to let people know that I was looking for an apprentice while I was teaching at this year’s Gaia Gathering.  Oh gosh, asking for help – what a kettle of fish.  It is amazing that at age 66 I am still doing deep work in the areas of my “survival techniques”.  I guess all the work I have done the last 35 years has been in preparation for this deep, deep work.  I have shifted and cleared so much.  I was not able to speak in front of people without crying and it hurt my throat to sing.  I was afraid to get up and teach.  Now it is hard for me to remember what that was like and that was my life up until about 15 years ago.  I used to hide behind Dave when he taught and now I am just as likely to shove him off the stage if I have something to say. 

Now I am dealing with patterns that I developed after being adopted at 13 months and sexual trauma that I can’t even remember distinctly.  One way adoptees deal with not having safe bonding as infants is to decide that we will take care of our own needs and never ask for help.  It makes us feel as if we are in control but it is truly damaging when it comes to creating relationships with others.  Another technique we can develop is to be super sensitive to our  surroundings and constantly gauge the reactions of the people around us so that we can adapt our behaviour to their expectations.  Think of it as being a chameleon always adapting your coloring to blend in with your surroundings and then disappearing.  These last 2 years I have worked really hard on accepting help and this last year I have worked on asking for what I need in a direct and open manner.  So, thanks to the second technique I mentioned (adaptive behaviour) I wanted spirit to see that I was a good girl and asked for help at Gaia.  These techniques are not all bad.  Thank goodness I did.  I met Abigail Wilson https://www.abigailwilson.com and she has been a godsend.  I’m sure I could not have created this beautiful website on my own.  I consider her a web doula and her gentle questions and deep listening allow one to express their ideas which she honors and follows.  I’ve worked with other people before and the websites always reflected their ideas and personalities and didn’t feel like me.  Abigail helped me to express myself at the same time she introduced me to new techniques and opportunities to be seen in the world.

This process also let me take a good look at that second survival mechanism – adaptive behaviour.  I was having a terrible time with becoming overwhelmed with all the possibilities and I wanted to know how everything fit together and wanted examples to see.  I knew that if this had been a class and the teacher had instructed in how we should go about this I would have been much comfortable.  I realized that I was searching for authority outside myself and trying to be a chameleon.  When I realized this it set me free.  This was “my” website.  There was no authority to adapt to.  I didn’t have to be a good girl.  I was free to express myself anyway I wanted to and then I could ask Abigail how to make it happen.  I was actually a really awesomely colored lizard and not a chameleon after all.  I can write about what I care deeply about, I can offer those things I find valuable and I can be comfortable being seen as me. 

I do want to say something about survival behaviours before I end here.  These are behaviours that we developed to keep us safe in the world.  They protected us for so long but they are not adaptive to growth.  These behaviours were designed to protect us as children.  Just as we cannot fit comfortably into the cribs that we were placed in to keep us safe as infants, these behaviours constrict us now.  It is time to choose new patterns of behaviour but we must also keep the gifts that those behaviours created such as self-reliance and sensitivity which are good things in balance.  New patterns for me are asking for help and deciding how I want to be in the world without taking into account other people’s opinions.  I must be true to myself.  I am a fucking colorful lizard!

Mii’iw noongom.