Boozhoo
As I write this I have tears seeping from my eyes. I have been working so hard emotionally and spiritually to break down my life so that I could rebuild it in a way that fit. My metaphor for this was dumping my backpack upside down and all of the things that I thought that I needed to travel in this life were strewn all over the room and it is was chaos. Then I began to throw out the items that were broken and no longer worked. That took some contemplation and review but was relatively easy. Next were the things gifted to me from well wishing outsiders - family, friends, teachers, society at large. These things were harder to get rid of - not only were they in the backpack but they had also infiltrated my internal landscape and revealed themselves by the voices in my head that told me how life should be lived and whether or not I was worthy. Those pesky voices were hard to catch and even harder to release. I must tell you there were some dark nights when I didn’t even know who I was without the stories, both born of trauma and inherited, that I had told myself throughout my whole life.
So here I am now in a room with much less detritus around me. I have been working with teachings about the INFJ-T personality that I find myself to be and learning to use the gifts that come with that recognization. It is so much easier to intuit my way forward now. My brain and intellect can rationalize almost anything. I can now hold up each item and know whether I want to carry it or not. I am slowly filling my backpack and preparing for a new journey. I may not be the image of the young fool in the beginning of the Tarot heading out on their adventure with a frisky dog for companionship . Rather imagine a weathered, rounded old lady with bum knees, a rolypoly dog and a grumpy cat. My external circumstances may look the same with my home in the hollow in the mountains and my chosen family gathered around me but internally it is an all new adventure. I may find in the future that some of the things that I have discarded I would like to put back in again but for now I am happy with what I am carrying. Through all of the retreat and solitude of this last year I do realize that I want to bring others along with me. Perhaps something may strike a note with you and help you to either not make some of the same mistakes or may encourage you to head off on a path that I am traveling as well. So for better or worse I’m back.
Gigawaabamin. See you around.
I love the metaphor of the backpack. That’s such a wonderful neutral image— free of guilt, shame, expectation— just a vessel on the back for life essentials. Given how many miles I’ve walked the mountains carrying weight on my back- most of it necessary, but but not always—the metaphor works at such a deep level for me. I know I carry many things that are dead weight. You are so courageous for examining each thing in its turn. Love this post!!