Dark Night of the Soul

Cruising down that highway once again

Hello everyone. It has been some time since we last chatted. I want to let you know what has been going on with Medicine Lake Herbals and myself as per the agreement I made that I would share my process.

After a wonderful period of energy and growth and enthusiasm I have found myself once again on my own personal dark and stormy road. This time I was warned by spirit. I pulled a card at the new moon circle that featured the Goddess Coatilicue who represented Grief. Let me tell you - she is good at her job. My father-in-law has been in poor health for years and my mother-in-law has end stage Alzheimers. They both were living on their own with health care providers taking care of them and David and I stepping in when needed for care and for taking care of the house. My father-in-law finally passed away this last week and it was truly a blessing. He had been in tremendous pain and at age 85 he had lived a good life. We lit a candle the night of his death and it just went out last night on its own on the 4th day of his journey which is how long we believe that it takes to make it to the other world. Everything is really going well but as you can imagine there is a lot of grief being expressed by a number of family and friends of his. Even though I do know how to hold boundaries it has been difficult to not let all of that emotion bleed in to my own psyche.

I have done so much work to clear up old traumas and disfunctional patterns in my life but I believe it is impossible to clear it all out. The best outcome for me is to be able to recognize when I am triggered and to shift my reactions as they come out. All of the grief and the mass of work that needs to be done in order to keep two households running has created a deep exhaustion and depression in me. My disfunctional pattern is to isolate myself and hunker down but as you can imagine this method of being in the world creates its own depression. Luckily I have friends and my dear husband who are willing to watch me try to push them away and still stand there and wait for me to stop being so reactive and reach out to them. I know all this will pass and that the enthusiasm and energy I had will return and I can go back to creating classes for Medicine Lake Herbals.

My plan is to meet the challenges of the day but to not try to carry it all by myself. I will let my friends love and support me and will take the time to go and rest and recover when I need to. I will pay attention to the ebb and flow of energy. I know that when energy is flowing it is so much easier to accomplish things and when you are exhausted you are pushing against the tides. Life is always shifting and changing. Now is the time of the west and the release of those things we no longer need so that we can have the energy to carry those things that nourish us. I feel totally supported by my family and friends. I will eat nourishing foods, watch funny movies, read my new book Hagitude - Reimagining the Second Half of Life, get plenty of hugs and love from my friends, rest when I am tired and will wait on some of my projects until the word “should” changes to “want”.

Thank you all for witnessing for me. Please stay warm and remember to enjoy each other. “We are all just walking each other home.”

Mii’iw noongom.