Breaking the Logjam
A new approach to depression and creativity.
Boozhoo giinawaa
Trying to get started in this “new” life of mine. I am finding myself in the rut of depression. Externally everything is fine. I love my close partnerships. I feel that they have my back and are very supportive. I love where I live. I love my friendships. I love my rounded, scarred, and sagging body. I even love my knees that are totally unreliable now and complain loudly about even the slightest downhill movement. So what do I do about this all encompassing malaise that is drowning me? I thought I had let go of all of the burdens that were sapping my energy. I gave up friends, identities, possessions and life stories. I am mostly free of all of the “shoulds” of my 69 years here on this planet. So why am I depressed? Why do I lack the energy to do the things that bring me joy - gardening, swimming in the river, sitting by a fire in the evening, making good food, sewing the Thai wrap blouse that sits on my machine waiting for me, hanging out with dear friends, etc.? I do realize that I am physically tired but that stems from my profound emotional exhaustion.
Before I began my journey down the INFJ-T rabbit hole I was reading a book called “Creatrix” by Lucy Pearce. That book spoke to the need to create that is essential to some people. “When we create, we tend to feel more fully alive and fully aligned with the natural flow of the Universe that at any other time in our lives.” So, I am a creative person. I have lots of skills e.g. sewing, knitting, cooking, beading, writing. I am full of ideas about what I would love to bring into the world. I am deeply aligned with the spirit world around me and have lots of inspiration and guidance. So, why am I not creating? I am at the stage in my life where I can pretty much make up my own schedule. I am at the lovely point in time where I can eat dessert first if I want. I am an adult with few responsibilities. In my readings about the INFJ-T it was often mentioned that creativity was an inherent trait. I know that I am creative but I am not creating right now. Further reading has given me the clue to the logjam that is my life at this moment. The creativity comes from the left brain. All of my life I have made plans, schedules, outlines and lists. I am good at that. It is one of the gifts of my Capricorn ascendent. It is also taking place in the right brain. INFJ’s are not good at switching back and forth between the 2 sides. Going into the right brain plan making takes all the energy away from my left brain creativity. When it comes to actually putting the plans into effect I have lost the spark.
I am beginning to play with changing my lifelong approach to implementing my creativity. Just to give you an example of my approach I will let you in on what my sewing practice was. I took a course on designing my wardrobe which did have some helpful tips but then I began to make lists of all of my material, all of my patterns, all of my clothes down to the number and color of my socks and underwear. All of these things could have been helpful but instead sucked the life out of the creative urge to make something. What if instead of making plans, lists, etc. I begin to make mood boards, mind maps, and gather images, fabrics, quotes, leaves, bones and other inspirations. What if my “work” is play? What if my “work” is ceremony? Do I need music, scented candles, flower essences and other treats to keep me in my left brain? Just writing this down is making me happier and hopeful.
Maybe I just needed to do a little more clearing in order to move ahead.
Giigawaabaamin miinawaa.
How can we plan for spontaneity? What schedule best invites inspiration? The creative’s life is always paradoxical. I recognize the tapping you make on this logjam of yours, pulling out twigs to see how the balance shifts. I trust you will find your way through - and perhaps discover a river with new shape and new flow once the jam unfurls.
I can’t tell you how much this post resonates with me. In my case, I feel burdened by the belief that if I’m not a world authority on every aspect of some hazy, misty, beautiful nebula that wants to come out into creation, then I’d best keep my thoughts to myself. That’s a death knell b lied for a writer! I’m so happy to hear that as you peel away the old skins of patterns that no longer serve, you are giving that tendency to make lists a new birthright- a new way of keeping joy alive. Can’t wait to sit back and see what color the wall turns next (as Alice Walker put it).